I'm Alan Cumming, and this is Masterpiece Mystery!
Welcome to the Quizaholics weekend.
By Sunday evening,
one of the six teams sitting around this table
will be £5,000 richer.
Somebody's guilty of foul play.
The college gates will be shut.
No one leaves without our permission.
A real-life country house murder.
Miss Scarlet with the lead piping.
Well, now.
It's down to the sudden death question.
There's only one question that matters around here
and no one knows the answer to that one.
Somebody knows.
Nobody gets hurt.
Two people have been murdered.
That's nothing to do with me.
That's what they all say.
Inspector Lewis, tonight on Masterpiece Mystery!
Captioning sponsored by VIEWERS LIKE YOU
(thunder)
Tonight, Sergeant Hathaway reveals his inner rocker.
It's a holiday weekend.
In Britain, they call it a bank holiday,
and everyone plans to get away,
to pursue other interests besides day-to-day murder
and violent crime.
Sergeant Hathaway is wearing a t-shirt
and he's off to a rock concert
with a guitar in the trunk of his car.
Inspector Robbie Lewis is mysteriously ironing
his dress shirt and listening to opera.
And at Oxford University, there is no end to the fun.
It's Quizaholics weekend.
What could be more exciting than a hot weekend
of intellectual ferment and cutthroat trivial pursuit?
Quizzes are the new rock and roll, the organizer insists.
Inspector Lewis thinks quizzes are terminally pointless.
Unfortunately, for some, this quiz weekend turns out to be,
well... terminal.
Have a lovely weekend, darling.
This isn't about a lovely weekend.
It's about winning the money.
See you later.
Hello!
Are you looking for Chaucer College?
I do hope so.
Yes.
Excellent.
That's the best news I've heard all year.
Well, this way.
Ethan?
Yes?
Don't you remember me?
(sighs)
Alas and alack, the world is full of people I don't remember.
Generally a very good thing.
Shall we?
Have a good weekend.
LEWIS: Everything all right for tomorrow?
Nervous?
Why should I be nervous?
Call you back.
What you got there?
She's my Gibson L5.
We're off to a festival of world music.
World music?
What, all of it?
You'll need a big room.
It's in the open air.
Are you doing nice things?
If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Room okay?
It's a room.
Do you really need that?
Better than a teddy bear, trust me.
Ethan?
Yes!
How are you doing?
Room okay?
No complaints?
No, none whatsoever.
Actually, this is my old college,
so it's just like old times.
The women are a little bit older,
but there's no substitute for experience.
Oh, well, you're all here to have a good time.
It's a bank holiday weekend.
It isn't about avarice and greed.
Enjoy.
I assume we get a choice of all seven of the deadly sins.
Up to you, Ethan.
(chuckles)
Mr. Richards?
Donald, what can I do for you?
The old folk would like some reassurance
that you won't be asking us endless questions
about pop music.
We are very good on Aristotle,
but reciting the hit songs of Elvis Presley in reverse order
is frankly beyond our compass.
Ah, in the Quizaholics world, there are many mansions.
I feared there might be.
Dinner is served.
So, if you'll pardon the expression, walk this way.
Suitcase?
Cousin's wedding in Norfolk.
Is that good?
Ask me Monday.
(chatter and laughter)
First off...
I'm sorry, but why "off"?
Why not simply "first"?
RICHARDS: Forgive me.
I'm not used to running quiz weekends in Oxford.
I'll try to be more careful.
Don't worry on our account, Marcus.
First, welcome to the Quizaholics weekend.
By Sunday evening,
one of the six teams sitting round this table
will be £5,000 richer.
But we're not here for the money, we're here to have fun.
Okay?
Okay.
So, let's start by having the teams tell us who they are.
I'm Eve Rigby.
And I am Robyn Strong.
And our team is called the Red Hot Mamas.
CROFT: As in Sophie Tucker?
The original Red Hot Mama?
According to my grandma, yes.
We met at an ante-natal class
and started the quiz team to stop our brains turning to porridge.
Also to prove you don't have to be a bloke
to be a boring old anorak.
(laughter)
STRONG: Well, we know who you are.
You're Ethan Croft
and once upon a time, you and I were at school together.
CROFT: So you tell me.
All I can say is that it was a very big school
with many beautiful people.
Meanwhile, back at the agenda.
Yeah, sorry, so like the lady says, I'm Ethan Croft.
I'm a former student of this college
and now a primary school teacher.
So, clearly sent on this earth to educate the young.
TERRY: Educate the young?
Fascinating concept.
It'll never catch on.
Our team is called NUTs.
MILNER: And are you?
CROFT: We're both active members
of the National Union of Teachers.
Hence, NUTs.
TAYLOR: I'm Ava Taylor, branch secretary.
Ethan's our officially designated troublemaker.
We plan the revolution on the first Friday of every month
but nobody ever shows up.
(laughs)
That's excellent.
Well, we encourage troublemakers.
Um, Alfie, tell us about yourselves?
I'm Alfie Wilkinson and this is Sophie Barton.
Hi.
We're students.
We're broke.
We're called Toxic Debt.
And you may be here to have fun but we need to win the money.
We're two little lambs who need some quantitative easing.
RICHARDS: Well, we wish you luck.
Yeah, but not too much.
(Richards chuckles)
RICHARDS: Er, next?
My name is Professor Donald Terry
and my colleague is Professor Milner.
Good evening.
And our team is called the Grey Guardians,
seeking to uphold the principles of truth, beauty and wisdom
in an age that has placed its faith, mistakenly,
in mere information.
Well, we'll go easy on Elvis Presley, heavy metal, rap.
Diane, we've lost you.
Diane Baxter, lieutenant.
Brian Kaye, color sergeant.
BAXTER: He was my instructor at Sandhurst.
We're called the Old Contemptibles
and we're here to prove that soldiers aren't thick.
Well, I think we can take your word for that.
Good idea.
RICHARDS: Which only leaves...
Sebastian Anderson.
And this is my colleague, Jessica Neill.
Hello.
And our team is called the Class of '89.
As in Oxford?
Yes, indeed,
but now living and working in the real world.
Lawyers, for our sins.
Well, other people's sins.
But seeking redemption.
CROFT: Oh, don't waste your time.
It's overrated.
We are the rump-- and I use the word advisedly--
of a college team trounced on network television
by some hairy louts from Keele.
(clucking)
Redemption would seem highly necessary.
RIGBY: What happened to the other two members
of your University Challenge team?
One of them's a Euro MP and the other one's in prison.
Purely the luck of the draw, could have gone either way.
But we're both very nice people.
Irresistibly so.
RICHARDS: Well, now that we've got to know each other,
I thought we'd start as we mean to go on-- with a quiz.
Goody, goody!
RICHARDS: Now, this is just for our amusement.
The real work starts tomorrow.
Fingers on buzzers, as it were.
First one to get three right will be declared the winner.
It's all in fun
and the referee's decision is final.
I call this section "Only Connect."
So, question number one.
What connects the years 1939 and 2008?
WILKINSON: Easy peasy.
Portsmouth won the FA Cup.
Correct.
Oh, God, I might have guessed there'd be football.
There always is football.
RICHARDS: Next.
What connects Al Jolson with an operatic aria by Puccini?
Avalon.
Well, can you tell us more?
Yes, Jolson stole the tune
and Puccini successfully sued him for plagiarism.
RICHARDS: That's correct.
And no marks, but anyone know the aria?
♫ E lucevan le stelle... ♫
CROFT: From Tosca.
There was a chap called Rose;
he changed it from a minor key to a major key
and added a few notes.
But it still cost them $25,000.
Sort of thing I would have thought lawyers
would have known.
That was brilliant.
You should see me when I really try.
(giggles)
That man will have to go.
(music in distance, din of crowd)
Sorry.
RICHARDS: We are down to our final two contestants.
Donald and Ethan.
So this is your sudden death question.
What connects waste products with The Waste Land?
(clinks glass)
Ethan?
T.S.
Eliot.
RICHARDS: Can you be more specific?
Yes.
T.S.
Eliot wrote The Waste Land, and his name,
as any crossword buff will tell you, is an anagram of toilets,
where, in an ideal society, all waste products go.
RICHARDS (laughing): That's correct!
I hereby declare Ethan is the winner.
(halfhearted applause)
(whispers): Infantile.
Well, for now, the bar will remain open.
We will reconvene here at 10:00 in the morning.
In the meantime, the night is still very young
and the rest of it is yours to do with as you think fit
and according to your predilections.
Is it all right if we go to a pub?
Do as you like.
It's a fun weekend.
But remember, the gates will be locked at 9:00
outside of term time to stop the tourists stealing the heritage.
So when you come back, you will have to ring the bell.
The bell has the word "Press" written on it.
A very grumpy man called Lester
will eventually let you in.
(opera playing)
BAXTER: The army has a question for you, Mr. Richards.
Oh, the name's Marcus.
All right, Marcus.
Still the same question.
Where does the money come from?
Sorry?
Which money?
The £5,000 that one of these teams are going to win.
Oh, from a sponsor within the industry.
See, what you have to understand is that quizzes
are the new rock and roll.
People can become millionaires
just from answering silly questions.
Ask a silly question?
Exactly.
The world we live in.
CROFT: I'm telling you...
I know all the secrets of this place.
There are people here
who should be in prison.
In Oxford?
In this very building.
RIGBY: Golly gosh.
But that's probably true of anywhere in the world.
Yes, but in Oxford,
you can multiply that by a factor of ten.
Believe me, I know.
(sighs)
Good news, it still fits.
Bad news, you look like a bloody wine waiter.
CROFT: But here's the big question.
The sudden death question?
Who wants to come with me on the conducted tour?
Chaucer College by night.
The secret places.
The ghosts.
The buried bodies.
Ah...
Excellent!
Eve?
Oh, come on!
You are breaking my heart!
I think you're the sort of man my mother warned me about.
And you ignored her.
Oh!
Don't worry.
I am the gentlest man
on the planet.
That's quite enough intellectual ferment for one night.
Rather more than I'm used to, as a matter of fact.
What do we think of our fellow travelers?
I suppose they're a cross-section.
Of what?
God knows.
(chuckling)
Come on, then.
Thank you.
(laughing)
(bell rings)
(keys jingling)
WILKINSON: We didn't wake you, did we?
GARVEY: Not entirely, no.
BARTON: It's very nice of you, and you're not at all grumpy.
Who says I'd be grumpy?
Bloke called Croft.
Ethan Croft.
Yeah, Ethan Croft.
Used to be a student here.
Oh yes, I remember him.
A lot of people remember him.
WILKINSON: I spy with my little eye something beginning with TPU.
BARTON: Two pissed undergraduates?
WILKINSON: Correct.
Your turn.
BARTON: Oh, look!
All the lights are out.
All the old folk have gone to bed.
We're playing a game.
Remember?
Sorry.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with UST.
Too easy.
Unresolved Sexual Tension.
Brilliant.
Your turn.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with...
BFIW.
BFIW?
Yes.
Could you spell that for me, please?
Body floating in water.
(cell phone rings and buzzes)
Yeah?
Where?
(cheering)
MUSICIAN: Thank you!
Thank you!
No, no, please!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
(distant car alarm sounds)
LEWIS: Do we know who he is?
HOBSON: Ethan Croft.
Teacher, apparently.
What was he doing here?
Taking part in a quiz weekend.
I see.
So, Mr. Croft is our starter for ten.
Where's our favorite sergeant?
On his way back from a world music festival in Somerset,
swearing all the way, I should think.
HOBSON: I know the feeling.
Me, too.
Sorry about...
Our best laid plans?
Mmm.
Right, better get to work.
(keys jingling)
I'm Sergeant Hathaway.
Mr. Garvey.
We're going to need to lock everybody in.
Can you handle that?
I've been doing it for years.
But never for grown-ups.
I'll enjoy that.
Sorry about your weekend.
Yeah, sorry about yours.
What's all this about?
It's about a quiz weekend.
Six teams of two competing for a £5,000 cash prize.
Organized by a man called Marcus Richards.
These the teams?
Yeah, we've got Oxford dons,
city lawyers, primary school teachers,
students, squaddies and young mums.
Deceased?
A man called Ethan Croft.
Primary school teacher.
Found in the ornamental pool.
Body was discovered by the students
coming home from the pub just after midnight.
Where are all these people now?
Most of them sound asleep.
We can confront them over their hearty breakfasts.
Or we could take Shakespeare's advice
and start by killing the lawyers.
Listen, I know this has screwed up your weekend, but...
No, no, no, this hasn't screwed up my weekend.
My guitar got nicked.
Where was it?
Boot of the car.
Broke the golden rule.
Which is?
Never let your instrument out of your sight.
I didn't know that.
What about piano players?
Well, with piano players, the instrument's usually provided.
Course.
Sorry.
Is it valuable?
Yeah, to me it is.
Fits the shape of my hand.
Right.
Names and addresses of all the teams.
We have until breakfast to see if we've got anything on record.
Okay.
What do you think about quizzes?
Terminally pointless.
Right up there with slugs and black pudding.
LEWIS: As you know, Ethan Croft was murdered last night.
And that being so,
Sergeant Hathaway and I would like to speak to each of you
individually over the course of the morning.
That is, unless anyone wishes to confess.
Worth a try.
I should also make it clear
that the college gates will be shut until further notice.
No one leaves without our permission.
NEILL: Forgive me if I sound like a lawyer,
but are you allowed to do that?
By the time our lawyers have discussed it with your lawyers,
the case'd probably be closed anyway.
Don't worry, we can all huddle together for warmth.
Now, maybe we can start with Mr. Croft's team partner?
Mrs. Taylor, is that correct?
That's me.
TAYLOR: Ethan was a brilliant man, academically.
He was deeply committed politically and a charmer.
Though I have to say, it didn't work on me.
Sounds like you're working up to a "but."
He drank and he was a womanizer.
Is that why he was teaching in a primary school?
That's a fair comment.
Somewhere a brilliant career had run onto the rocks.
But I never worked out why.
HATHAWAY: Last night after dinner,
everyone went to the bar, is that right?
Apart from the students.
How was it?
Quiet?
Noisy?
People talking to one another?
Honest answer,
it was a little boring.
Oh, I don't know, I thought that, in a way,
this weekend would be like revisiting the Oxford
of my student days.
And it wasn't.
We grow older, Sergeant.
Ethan Croft was a student here.
Did you know him then?
Not that I'm aware of.
I mean, we might have been in the same room on occasion,
the union or whatever pubs we used to go to back then,
but I don't remember him.
Mind you, the world is full of people I've never met.
I have enough trouble with the people I have met.
(chuckles)
Still, this weekend is not
entirely without interest, is it?
A real-life country house murder.
Miss Scarlet with the lead piping.
High on our list of suspects.
We're regular army.
We don't meet many civilians,
and I'd never met any of these till yesterday.
Did you notice anything about Croft?
He was doing some serious chatting up of one of the women.
And, as my father used to say, he had drink taken.
Am I allowed to make an observation?
All police work starts with observation.
Our cheerful host, Mr. Richards,
he's a bit... smooth for my taste.
I'm not crazy about smooth myself.
And I have an observation of my own.
Yes?
Did you bruise your hand?
Yes.
Last week, on maneuvers.
It was a brief encounter with the side of an armored car.
He invited us to go on a conducted tour of the college
and all its dark secrets.
And did you go?
Yes, but...
not all the way, if you know what I mean.
Did you like him?
He had a lot to say, mostly about himself.
That wasn't the question.
Charming, I suppose.
Very clever.
But still a man, whichever way you look at it.
I've never really been all that good with men.
I can only apologize on behalf of my gender.
I'll apologize to your friend if she can spare a minute.
Miss Strong?
Word, please.
It says here you're a former winner
of two major television quiz programs,
but it doesn't say which ones.
Oh, one was in Canada
and the other was in South Africa.
Did you win a lot of money?
Not enough to retire on.
That's why I'm running these quiz weekends.
It also refers to your background in broadcasting
but, again, it's a bit vague on the detail.
Are we still talking Canada and South Africa?
Everyone dresses up their CV a bit.
I'm sure it goes on in the police force.
Yeah, we have the facilities to check and double-check.
And we do.
I'm just an honest hustler,
trying to make a living in a tough world.
Where does the £5,000 come from?
It's-it's self-financing.
People pay £500 for the weekend.
If I rig the books properly,
I come out slightly ahead of the game.
£500?
Yeah, they get full board at an Oxford college
for the weekend and the chance to make exciting new friends.
I'd hoped to attract a few more people, actually,
but the bank holiday hasn't done us any favors.
I'll be lucky to break even.
"Exciting new friends"?
Is that why it says "singles welcome" on the website?
Yes.
Are all of the people here single?
I've no idea.
I mean, I suppose we mean single at heart.
You know, we're all consenting adults.
Were you aware of any of the consenting adults
pairing off last night?
Oh, I make it my policy to look the other way.
Though I have to say
I think Ethan Croft was on the prowl in a big way.
It didn't do him much good.
(whispers): No.
We need to know more about people's movements last night.
So try very hard to remember.
Looking the other way isn't much help.
Okay, I'll try.
I need to ask you something, actually.
What?
Would it be all right to carry on with the quiz weekend?
Well, if it's what the people want.
From my professional point of view,
I just want people to stay within reach.
Thank you.
You're a gentleman.
STRONG: He was my first boyfriend.
I was 14, he was 16.
And then when I saw his name on the website for this weekend,
I thought maybe... maybe it's never too late.
But I was wrong.
He just didn't remember me
and then, even if he did, he obviously preferred Eve.
This conducted tour of the college, how did it end?
As you'd expect.
An invitation to his room for a nightcap.
And did you go?
No, definitely not.
Eve might have done.
Why would she go and you not?
The message was... well, the message that I got
was that he was up for a threesome.
I don't play those kind of games.
Not even with someone I once loved.
(crying)
Thanks for talking to me.
LEWIS: Is that the box office?
Yeah, I've booked two tickets for tonight's performance,
but work's cropped up, I'm not going to be able to make it.
Yeah, I know, it's not about the money so, I don't know,
give them away to the poor of the parish.
But use them, eh?
The name's Lewis.
Tonight, The Fairy Queen.
The Fairy Queen?
It's an opera.
Was that your bank holiday weekend?
It was.
Covent Garden?
No, no, The Fairy Queen's on at Glyndebourne, isn't it?
Yeah.
Two tickets?
Yeah, I was going with a friend.
I do have friends.
WILKINSON: Modern architecture.
What are they up to?
HATHAWAY: Nothing.
They're students.
WILKINSON: Who designed the Guggenheim Museum in New York?
BARTON: Frank Lloyd Wright.
WILKINSON: Or, Plan B.
Come on, back to work.
Should we be doing this?
Course we should.
We're not going to win if we don't practice.
TERRY: This used to be one of the finest college libraries
in Oxford.
Because it had all your books?
Why else?
ANDERSON: Purely as a matter of interest, have you read them all?
All what?
Your books?
Oh, good God, no.
They're unreadable.
Which is, no doubt, the point.
Naturally.
How many have you written?
My next book will be my first.
But finest, no doubt.
Lawyers are men of action.
(loud banging)
Any joy?
No.
Everybody's behaving true to form.
Nobody saw anything that matters a damn,
our victim was a drinker, a womanizer and a show-off.
That Richards is a shifty sod
and we're no further forward.
So I've been thinking about your guitar.
Well, that's nice.
Thanks.
Yeah, if I'd nicked something specialized like a guitar,
I wouldn't be trying to flog it down the pub.
I'd put it on the... net.
Is that what I mean?
I'm sure that's what you mean.
Come on, let's have a proper look at Croft's room.
It's The Cherry Orchard.
LEWIS: Is it?
In Russian.
These orchards all look alike in Russian.
He had a First in Modern Languages.
Yeah, so why was he teaching in a primary school?
I mean it's a big jump from an Oxford First
to Plasticine with five-year-olds.
(knock on door)
I was hoping to have a word.
HATHAWAY: Of course.
Charles Milner.
Professor of engineering.
MILNER: Very good.
Let's have a word, then.
You're probably aware by now
that Croft was a brilliant student.
We are.
And very briefly a junior lecturer in Modern Languages.
Indeed.
Is that what you wanted to tell us?
No.
Professor Terry and I were talking
and we vaguely remember
that Croft left Oxford under something of a cloud.
HATHAWAY: You vaguely remember?
Common room gossip.
Is there any possibility you could describe
this cloud for us?
It was a sexual harassment case involving a first-year student.
Which, presumably, is all on record?
I doubt that any of it's on record.
Vague memories have very little value in police work.
Who would be likely to know the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I believe there's a wife.
Wives are pretty good at that sort of thing, in my experience.
Thank you, Professor.
LEWIS: It might be only a vague memory,
but to me he just stuck a knife
right between Ethan Croft's ribs.
Why would he do that?
Why indeed?
HOBSON: Well, the precise cause of death was drowning,
but he was unconscious at the time.
There's some bruising to the back of the neck.
Almost like a rabbit punch.
Caused by?
Probably a fist.
Assuming somebody who knew what he was doing.
Or she, possibly.
There was also a cut and some bruising
to the side of the face, as if he'd been in a fight,
but nothing on the hands, suggesting he didn't fight back.
The violence was strictly one-sided.
A couple of our soldiers have somewhat enigmatic CVs.
There's a whiff of SAS.
Heaven preserve us from the Ministry of Defense.
And he'd also had sex earlier in the evening.
Well now.
Eve Rigby said that she went on a guided tour of the college
with him but, and I quote, she didn't go all the way.
HOBSON: Well, someone did.
Unless she's lying, of course.
It ties in with the story
about Croft being drummed out of Oxford for sexual harassment.
Any chance of finding out the truth about that?
We can have a word with his wife.
You haven't done that yet?
She's visiting her mother in Brighton.
She's on her way back now.
And we have a jealous ex-girlfriend.
INNOCENT: Namely?
Robyn Strong.
She seems to have planned the weekend
as a grand reunion with her first love.
They never learn.
LEWIS: So are we talking about
a crime of passion here?
Not my department, guv.
But it is relevant that he'd been drinking heavily.
Probably for some years.
And just about the second to last thing he did was have sex.
INNOCENT: So where are they now?
These Grey Guardians and Red Hot Mamas?
They're having a quiz.
And who's Gibson?
There's nobody on any of the teams called Gibson.
Unrelated inquiry.
How was your wedding?
Um, oh, modern church service.
All a bit happy-clappy.
I still prefer the version when the vicar says,
"Let no man put asunder."
I sat through the speeches
and Uncle Vivian singing "Bless This House"
and then had to leave before the meal.
My husband's not speaking to me
because he's stuck in the middle of nowhere
with all my mad relations.
So, it's been an all-round triumph.
HOBSON: Any luck with the tickets?
LEWIS: Well, I phoned the box office.
They reckon they might be able to get rid of them.
I hope so.
It's a lot of money.
You lose some, you lose some.
Still, we'll try again another time.
If you're happy about that.
Yeah.
I'm happy about that.
Good.
Your date for the weekend?
Dr. Hobson?
We were going to Glyndebourne to see The Fairy Queen.
All right?
Now you know all there is to know.
Were you overnighting?
Mind your own business!
It's only because I care.
These questions all relate to the nicknames of famous people.
So, on the buzzers.
Who was the Welsh wizard?
(buzzer)
David Lloyd George.
You're far too young to know that.
He knew my father.
(laughing)
Next.
Another wizard.
(bell rings)
Yes?
No idea.
I'm just sick of sitting here not pressing the buzzer.
ANDERSON: It is a quiz, after all.
Did you not read the small print?
Are we likely to have an answer at any point?
Just think of a wizard.
Any wizard will do.
Merlin?
Sorry, not Merlin.
Handing it over to the other team.
(buzzer)
Might that be Stanley Matthews,
the footballer?
Known as the wizard of the dribble?
RICHARDS: Brilliant piece of lateral thinking!
It's well played, Toxic Debt, bad luck, Class of '89.
(applause)
That was brilliant.
I know.
Blame it on my youth.
RICHARDS: Well, we'll take a break, guys.
Back at 4:00
for a needle match
between the Grey Guardians and the Red Hot Mamas.
Yes, that's Ethan.
HATHAWAY: Thank you.
Do you feel able to talk about your husband?
It's supposed to help, isn't it?
I'm sure everybody's told you that Ethan was a damn fool.
He was... a brilliant damn fool.
Whichever way you look at it,
he didn't deserve to be murdered.
We're told he left Oxford under a cloud
after having an affair with one of his students.
Who told you that?
One of the Oxford mafia?
It's confidential.
I'm sorry.
Well, it's true about the affair.
But if every academic who had an affair with his student
left Oxford, they'd run out of teaching staff.
They'd be asking for volunteers at the job center.
It was before I met him, anyway.
When did you meet him?
Hall Rise Primary School staffroom.
So you didn't know him during his Oxford days?
No.
Strictly a redbrick girl.
I do know he was always very bitter about what happened.
I don't know the details, but...
Can you hazard a guess?
He was brilliant at languages, as I'm sure you probably know.
Russian, Polish,
even some of those funny little Baltic countries.
He did a lot of interpreting and translating work.
A couple of times he was an interpreter
for some Russian footballers taking their driving tests.
I'm not sure I can divine a motive for murder there.
There was a period in the early '90s
when he was doing an awful lot of really high-profile work
and then suddenly it was all just hack stuff.
But he never really spoke about his work, not in detail.
Ethan was all the things you already know about him.
He was immoral,
he was a drinker, self-centered,
but in professional matters, he was an honorable man.
He believed in things like public service.
That's why he worked for the union.
Hated all that stuff about the free market knows best.
Well, he was right all along about that, wasn't he?
There's something else that you should know.
But you might find it hard.
Sergeant, I think it's fair to say
that nothing can hurt me now.
So please say whatever it is.
According to the medical evidence,
he had sex last night before he died.
I see.
I'm sorry.
You and me both.
But I still loved him.
And admired him.
He's had one big problem:
a constitutional inability to keep it in his trousers.
That's why there were times when...
When what?
There were times when I would've happily killed the guy myself.
HATHAWAY: ...exact words "killed the guy."
You're not suggesting she put out a contract on him?
All you need is a trained killer.
BAXTER: I'm told you'd like a word.
Thank you, come in, sit down, Lieutenant.
I answer to Diane.
Sorry, Diane.
This is a really silly question.
That's what this weekend's about, isn't it?
Silly questions.
We've had a whisper that Croft's killing
might have been carried out on behalf
of a jealous former lover,
partner, wife, well, you take your pick.
What, a professional hit?
We said it was silly.
LEWIS: And, you know, we're not accusing the British Army,
but your professional observations
would be appreciated.
(sighs)
We're just a couple of squaddies.
Any day now we're off to keep the peace
under the flag of the United Nations.
We're here to have fun,
and so far fun's been a bit thin on the ground.
And we have to check every possibility.
Now you've ticked that box,
so you can file it under garbage and move on.
Are we through?
Unless you had sex with Ethan Croft last night.
What?
It's a simple enough question.
I imagine you'd remember if you had.
I would remember
and I definitely did not.
Thank you.
I think she'll be very good at keeping the peace.
Same as her friend, the silent sergeant.
Carrying out orders without question?
Licensed to kill?
It's what soldiers do.
What, telling lies?
Everyone tells lies.
Especially about sex.
Are any of you aware of Ethan Croft's work
as a translator and interpreter during his time at Oxford?
TERRY: Can't say that I am.
ANDERSON: Nor me.
NEILL: Yes.
Can you elaborate?
I vaguely remember a guy in college raving about him,
how he'd done some highly original translations
of Chekov and Gorki.
Decided they were both very funny writers.
Hence his First, presumably.
Yes, the Lower Depths, a laugh on every line.
Mind you, I always did take more interest
in my fellow students than you did.
I was cursed with ambition.
There's no cure.
And later we've had a hint that he might have done
some very high profile, highly sensitive work.
Which, by definition,
would be highly confidential.
HATHAWAY: Quite so.
And why would he tell any of us about it?
RICHARDS: Sorry to keep you waiting, guys.
Just getting the questions in order.
If you'd like to take your places,
this is the next match in our Quizaholics weekend
between the Grey Guardians and the Red Hot Mamas.
If the rest of you would like to sit down
and play the part of the appreciative audience.
We do seem to be missing someone.
Where is Eve?
She said she was going to her room to swot up
on top 20 hits since 1955.
Which probably guarantees she's fallen asleep.
Would anyone like to wake her up?
Would you like me to go?
'Cause she's next door to me.
RICHARDS: Thank you, you're an angel.
Just as I was getting excited.
Eve?
You're keeping everybody waiting.
Eve?
Eve?
Oh!
HOBSON: Nothing complicated.
She's been strangled from behind.
With?
Bare hands.
As for the timing...
LEWIS: Yeah, I know about the timing.
She came up to her room at 2:00 and was discovered at 4:00.
She was doing her homework.
LEWIS: We need to know exactly where everybody was
between 2:00 and 4:00.
No more fudging.
Shall I round them up?
Yeah, with a whip.
I'm getting sick of these people.
HATHAWAY: Were you close to Eve?
Yes, I suppose I was.
Babies do that to women.
Until this weekend.
What happened this weekend?
Ethan Croft.
He didn't really remember me.
He pretended to, but...
and then he just made a beeline for Eve,
so I thought to hell with him.
So they went to her room?
His room?
His room.
I wouldn't care, but she has a husband.
I mean, he's not much of one
but at least he's there some of the time.
I don't have anyone.
You have a child.
I have a snotty two-year-old and a mad grandma.
I think they might have had a row.
I think I heard them arguing in the corridor outside my room.
And then it just went quiet.
I should have done something.
She might still be alive.
Were you jealous?
Jealous?
Why would I be jealous?
You come here to rekindle your first love
and he goes off with your best friend?
Well, I might have been a bit miffed.
What, you mean jealous enough to commit murder?
I wasn't accusing you.
God, I hate this place.
I want to go home.
To a snotty two-year-old and your mad grandma?
Yeah, well, anything's better than this.
LEWIS: Did you hear anything resembling a row on your landing?
Well, to be perfectly honest,
I was somewhat preoccupied with my own problems.
Personal or professional?
Private, maybe.
Try me.
(sighs)
Have you ever planned an idyllic, romantic,
get-away-from-it-all weekend
only to have it turn into a handful of dust?
Now that really is private.
LEWIS: I'm going to ask you all to do something very simple.
You all have a piece of paper,
and I want you to write down, in precise and accurate detail,
what you were doing between 2:00 and 4:00 this afternoon.
Plus who you were with.
And if we were alone?
Then that's what you write down.
And I should remind you if what you write down
turns out to be untrue,
then you'll be guilty of wasting police time,
of obstruction
and of all manner of new offenses,
which the government's probably planning to introduce
at any moment as part of their ongoing fight
against global terrorism.
(chuckling)
How's it going?
What?
The not smoking.
It's a nightmare.
I'd rather talk about my suspect.
Robyn Strong?
It's worth examining as an idea.
Persuade me.
She has a fantasy of a perfect man
based on the perfect boy she knew from school.
And what happens?
He doesn't remember her
and he runs off with her so-called best friend.
Have to be slightly deranged.
Well, one could argue that all murderers are slightly deranged.
Especially in a crime of passion.
(sniffs) I don't buy it.
Better ideas?
I'm keeping an open mind.
Sounds like a no.
You're good together, you know.
Who?
You and the doc.
We were going to the opera together.
That's all.
We weren't planning to elope.
You said you were overnighting.
Where were you going to stay?
I booked the tickets.
She booked the hotel.
One room or two?
Look, do us a favor, will you?
Mind your own business.
Go find your guitar or something.
(bells chiming)
Should be ready to hand in their homework by now.
LEWIS: So, how are you planning to structure
the rest of the weekend?
RICHARDS: Well, a lot of people want to go home.
I assume you'd rather they didn't.
You assume right.
So I thought a quiet supper,
followed by a quiz, just for amusement.
We'll keep it very low-key.
What about the £5,000?
Well, the students are keen to carry on.
They're already through to the final.
Apart from that I've had a number of withdrawals,
but the Grey Guardians...
The Oxford dons?
They're happy to continue.
So I thought a grand final, for the money,
between those two teams tomorrow afternoon,
and then people can go,
if you've finished with them by then.
I sincerely hope I'll be finished with them by then.
With one obvious exception.
Robyn Strong was in her room
brushing up on the quiz questions.
Lawyers and the dons were in the college library.
Ava Taylor, the students and the soldiers
were drinking coffee in a cafeteria,
where they were later joined by the lawyers and the dons.
LEWIS: Richards?
In the dining hall, getting ready for the quiz.
Right.
So now all we have to do
is find out which of them is telling lies.
RICHARDS: For amusement only,
what connects an island in Scotland with the Olympic Games?
(bell dings)
Hoy.
The connection?
The island of Hoy is in the Orkneys
and Chris Hoy won three gold medals in the cycling.
RICHARDS: Next.
What links Isambard Kingdom Brunel
with a former Lancashire wicket-keeper?
(buzzer) Too easy.
Speak for yourself.
Brunel was an engineer.
Farouk Engineer kept wicket for Lancashire.
The answer, therefore, is "engineer."
Takes one to know one.
Oh, for God's sake, who gives a damn about any of this?
TERRY: I suspect the honest answer is nobody.
In fairness, Mr. Richards is doing a praiseworthy job
in trying to keep up our spirits in an impossible situation.
(laughs) He'd have done well at Dunkirk.
Yeah, well, I've had enough of these silly questions.
There's only one question that matters around here
and no one knows the answer to that one.
Somebody knows the answer to that one.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
JEAN: So, this is where Ethan did all his work.
All right if we have a browse?
Of course, help yourself.
I'll, um... leave you to it.
So, Mr. Ethan Croft,
where did you hide the secrets that could put people in prison?
And what sort of secrets were they?
Old-fashioned blackmail stuff?
HATHAWAY: Laptop?
That's your department.
I'll do the paperwork.
This could take days.
Which we do not have.
Ah.
Problem?
Well, I don't speak Russian.
Do you?
I'm only just in control of English.
HATHAWAY: It's an impressive form of security.
A lot of these are in Russian, too.
Ah, this is better.
English?
Yeah.
Files marked "Personal,"
"Business," "School," "Trades Union" and "Highly Personal."
Oh, promising.
Unfortunately...
none marked "Top Secret."
You know what,
we're going to have to take all this stuff away
and just resign ourselves
to getting very little sleep tonight.
Well, sleep's overrated, especially on a Saturday.
Do you have to be so young?
INNOCENT: Are you aware of the hourly rate
a Russian translator will charge at the weekend?
I'm no expert, ma'am, but I think there's
some Polish in there as well.
What makes you think the murders are connected
with his work as a translator?
That's one of three possibilities.
The others being?
HATHAWAY: I fancy a crime of passion.
There's enough sexual energy in that room
to power the national grid.
Or it could be related to the quiz weekend itself.
Our genial host, Marcus Richards,
seems to me like a fully paid-up con artist.
So it's one chance in three
that it's all to do with the Russians?
LEWIS: As things stand.
(sighs)
We'll find you a translator.
Here's a thing.
What?
Initial medical report on Eve Rigby.
She hadn't had sex recently.
(knock on door)
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
A secret, wow.
According to our medical records,
Ethan Croft had sex with somebody before he died.
Sounds like a nice way to go.
But, again, according to our medical records,
Eve Rigby hadn't had sex with anyone.
So, it leaves us with the question,
who did he have sex with?
Well, how should I know?
Well, I could ask the obvious question.
Maybe I should ask the obvious question.
Me?
(scoffs)
Well, I find that whole idea hysterically funny.
That's how far we've traveled.
(sighs)
Any joy?
Enlightenment?
Jokes?
Is this Ethan Croft's work?
Yeah.
How did you know?
We studied together.
There are translations here...
they've got his fingerprints all over them.
He was brilliant,
but people have probably told you that.
They have.
But this stuff, it's either literary--
translations of Chekhov and Tolstoy,
all the standard authors--
and some technical material that's honestly beyond me.
It was a terrible waste of talent, you know.
How do you mean?
Well, doing radical versions
of great authors, that's one thing.
Acting as an interpreter for footballers and businessmen,
that's hack work by comparison.
It's what I do.
If you knew Ethan Croft in his Oxford days,
were you aware of this sexual harassment business?
Only as a rumor.
One moment he was there and suddenly he was gone.
Accompanied by a lot of whispering behind hands.
LEWIS: How about old-fashioned paper?
A lot of trade union minutes.
Utterly fascinating.
I bet.
He was a very angry and frustrated man.
Looking in his diary,
I mean, it's mainly appointments,
but every so often he pops in a comment on the news--
he hates the government,
he hates bankers and he hates the city of London.
Not a bad judge.
BANKS: Oh, I've found budgets here for some project or other.
Could be engineering.
All seems honest and above board.
Pity.
Breath of fresh air?
As long as I can contaminate it with nicotine.
(keys jangling)
Everybody tucked up safely?
As far as I know.
I can't check them all personally.
But I've never lost anybody until this weekend.
You remember Ethan Croft when he was a student here?
GARVEY: I certainly do.
Piss artist and sex maniac.
Which is saying something,
bearing in mind he was a student
and they're all that way inclined.
Were you familiar with him as a junior lecturer?
When they ran him out of town?
That bad, was it?
Well, no, it was all very gentlemanly,
this being Oxford.
Other places he would have been tarred and feathered.
Do you remember the name of the girl?
I can't remember what she was called then.
I know what she's called now.
What?
Mrs. Milner.
Can't remember her first name.
Married to Professor Milner, the engineer?
Yes.
Why didn't you tell us this earlier?
No bugger asked me.
(bell tolling)
LEWIS: You didn't tell us your wife was the young woman
who accused Ethan Croft of sexual harassment.
MILNER: A sin of omission.
I apologize.
Why didn't you tell us?
It was a very painful episode for her.
Traumatic.
The scars took a long time to heal
and I didn't want her dragged into all of this.
It didn't seem relevant.
That implies you know what is relevant.
Not at all.
I'm simply a very protective husband.
Now, permission to return to my breakfast?
Yeah, as long as you promise not to run away.
Where would I run to?
BAXTER: Mr. Lewis?
Good morning.
I thought I should let you know
that we'd like to leave at lunchtime.
Sorry, that won't be possible.
We're under orders.
We fly out tomorrow.
To?
I'm not allowed to say but I believe there's a lot of sand.
Peace-keeping?
The smart moneysays so.
Look, as far as I'm concerned,
you can leave the minute we've made an arrest.
I can talk to your commanding officer
if that would help the situation.
No need.
I'll refer him directly to you.
Aye.
Oh, I've got news for you.
Oh, good, I enjoy news.
Look-- a 1948 Gibson L5 PE guitar
with a honey blond finish and a Charlie Christian pickup.
Any resemblance to yours?
How do you do this?
You don't do computers.
No, I phoned my daughter.
She told me where to look; how to do it.
That's amazing.
Is it yours?
Yeah.
And is it really worth £3,000?
Oh, her price is beyond rubies.
I'll take that as a yes, then.
Oh, show time!
We still don't know
who Croft had sex with before he died.
We could ask some more.
Funny, the only thing I know for sure
is nobody tells the truth about their sex life.
That's very good.
I'll try and remember that.
RICHARDS: Welcome to the Quizaholics Grand Final.
Within the next half-hour, one of these two teams
will walk away with £5,000.
To make things more difficult for them,
and with the help of my magic laptop,
they will have to do so
under simulated television studio conditions.
(fanciful chamber music theme plays)
RICHARDS: Grey Guardians, are you ready?
I've been ready for 50 years.
(chuckling): Toxic Debt?
Raring to go.
Good luck to both teams.
And we'll start with a round that I call
Very Loose Connections.
What links the following?
Ages and Wisdom.
(bell rings)
The number seven.
Would you care to explain?
Shakespeare wrote the famous Seven Ages of Man speech
and T.E.
Lawrence wrote the Seven Pillars of Wisdom.
That's correct.
(applause)
RICHARDS: Ah, you'll enjoy this one.
What links Lawrence and Lawrence?
(bell rings)
RICHARDS: Yes?
The answer's Shaw.
RICHARDS: Why is the answer Shaw?
Well, T.E.
Lawrence was also known as Shaw,
and George Bernard Shaw lived for many years
in a place called Ayot St. Lawrence.
RICHARDS: Correct.
This is ridiculous.
I didn't think students read books anymore.
Don't ask me.
I'm only a policeman.
What links Shaw with a park in New York?
(buzzer)
At last, one for the oldies.
Is that your answer?
No.
The answer is Artie Shaw,
the great American jazz clarinetist
who led a band called the Gramercy Five,
named after Gramercy Park in New York.
The band was also notable for having a harpsichord
instead of the more usual piano.
Do I get a bonus point for that?
(chuckling): I'm afraid not,
but everybody in the room is deeply impressed, I'm sure.
(applause)
HATHAWAY: Yes, I'll meet the price.
Yeah, cash.
My name?
Um...
Lewis.
With the teams dead level,
it's down to the sudden death question.
And you will be delighted to know
that the subject is Modern Architecture.
My favorite.
I thought it might be.
RICHARDS: Which means the £5,000 first prize
hangs on who is first to answer.
Who designed the Guggenheim?
(buzzer)
Grey Guardians?
Frank Gehry.
RICHARDS: Frank Gehry.
That answer is...
incorrect.
(groans)
But for heaven's sake, man,
I've been to the Guggenheim.
It's in Bilbao.
RICHARDS: I will read the question in full.
Who designed the Guggenheim Museum in New York?
(ring) Frank Lloyd Wright.
Oh, for... RICHARDS: That answer is correct!
Toxic Debt, you win £5,000!
Come forward, Toxic Debt.
Brilliant, yeah.
Congratulations, Toxic Debt.
Well done.
But now, before we all pack our bags and head for home,
I should just say a word
about the tragic events that have taken place this weekend.
I think you've all behaved brilliantly
in the most difficult of circumstances.
How low will this man sink?
That's a very good question.
Mr. Richards.
Marcus.
I'd like you to come to the police station
and answer a few questions.
Sudden death questions?
We don't know yet.
May I?
(tearing envelope)
Is the check in the post?
I can explain.
I'm sure you will.
ANDERSON: Does this mean the rest of us can leave?
Not yet.
Maybe after tea.
How very English.
Are we in trouble?
Not as much as some other people.
Looks like we were right all along.
Naturally.
I still think you should own up.
What difference would it make?
You tell the truth.
It means I don't have to tell lies or withhold evidence.
See, if I was expecting a check for £5,000,
this would be deeply disappointing.
Mea culpa.
It's a scam, isn't it?
A modest one.
How does it work?
You pay the students a few quid
and then tell them the answers in advance, is that it?
They need the money more than the old farts.
Call it a social service.
How much do you pay them?
Couple hundred each.
Cash.
They get free board and lodging for the weekend.
From their point of view, a very good deal.
And from my point of view, it's illegal.
Well, slightly.
I mean, nobody gets hurt.
Two people have been murdered!
That's nothing to do with me.
Pardon the expression, but that's what they all say.
Okay.
Two-bit conman, guilty as charged.
But I do not kill people, Mr. Lewis.
Even when they realize what you're up to?
Well, I don't kill them.
I give them money.
(knock at door) Yeah?
Sir, can I have a word?
I've just had a call from Lieutenant Baxter.
She wants to speak to one of us, sounded urgent.
I knew she was holding out on us.
Now, we don't know that for certain.
No, trust me.
What about Richards?
Says he's not the murdering kind.
I tend to agree.
Too spineless.
But it won't do any harm
for the rest of them to think the case is closed.
False sense of security?
Yeah, can't do any harm.
Go talk to the army.
I'll follow you later.
It was Saturday night when Croft was murdered.
I had sex with him.
And I hit him.
In that order?
Yes.
Can you be more specific?
Well, I was on my way to bed
and I almost collided with him and Eve Rigby.
They were having a row.
Then she went off to her room and I started talking to him.
Or, to be more precise, listening to him.
He was an interesting guy and...
Well, I fancied him, so bingo.
And this was his room?
Yes.
Why did you hit him?
His wife telephoned at, you might say, a crucial moment.
I didn't know he had a wife,
so I gave him a swift backhander.
That's how I got the bruises on my hand.
Your guv'nor spotted them.
He's very good.
Mmm, so you whacked him, and then what happened?
Well, I went to my room
and Croft said he needed another drink.
I don't blame him.
So he went to the bar?
His exact words were,
"I'm going to make those bastards squirm."
Any bastards in particular?
The Oxford variety.
He had serious hangups about Oxford.
Kept going on about Helsinki.
Helsinki?
It's the capital of Finland.
Thanks.
I know where Helsinki is.
Helsinki?
Can you check that?
No need.
I know exactly what that's about.
HATHAWAY: It's an engineering research laboratory.
LEWIS: And the professor of engineering is?
Charles Milner, eminent quiz competitor.
Who paid for it?
LEWIS: You and me, the taxpayers?
HATHAWAY: Not exactly.
According to the engineering department website,
it's a unique collaboration between the British government,
the Russian government
and the major industrial interests of both countries,
back in the '90s.
This is when the Russians were learning to be capitalists?
Yeah.
And before they started taking over our football teams.
Ethan Croft was an interpreter during the negotiations,
some of which were held in Helsinki.
Now, if he got to know some of these guys--
and I'm not saying that they're all gangsters or Mafia types--
but if he did, and had access to valuable information...
LEWIS: Industrial espionage?
There are hints here and there of defense contracts.
A freelance spy?
Explain why he was kicked out of Oxford.
Everyone knows that Oxford and Cambridge
are chock full of spies and traitors.
That's just stereotypical thinking.
Which, of course, you share.
Some of the time.
Who's going to suspect
a guy who teaches in a primary school in Reading
of selling our secrets to the Russians, or vice versa?
So, who killed him?
How long is this likely to go on?
As long as the proverbial piece of string, I should imagine.
I was assuming our genial quiz master must be the...
Guilty party?
MILNER: One hesitates to accuse the man directly.
Did you get any sense
of what was going on when you talked to the sergeant?
Nothing at all.
Perhaps we should just drink our tea, as we were told.
How very English.
So you keep saying, and very tedious it is too.
Sorry.
RICHARDS: Just to let everybody know,
I've been released
without a stain on my character.
Professor Milner?
HATHAWAY: I'm talking about a couple of dons and a couple of lawyers
who were in the library yesterday afternoon.
I was here; I saw them.
It's a silly question, but what did they do?
They browsed.
Usual thing with guys like that.
They check their books are on the shelves in the right places.
They look in Who's Who
to make sure their entries have been properly updated.
That's about it.
Well, it is Oxford.
Did you know any of them?
Sorry.
I hate to be stereotypical,
but they all look alike to me.
And Who's Who is...?
Thank you.
We had a look at your new building.
It's very impressive.
Well, it's not all that new.
It's been open almost ten years.
We think it's unique.
A millennium project that actually works.
And Ethan Croft
was translator and interpreter in Helsinki
during the financial negotiations?
I believe so.
So you must have worked with him quite closely at the time.
Not at all.
I was one of a team.
The Russians were there in equally large numbers.
We were in a big room full of people
with Croft sitting in a corner
doing simultaneous translations into our headphones.
Now, it's, uh... it's an invaluable skill,
but it doesn't form the basis for a lasting friendship.
And he wasn't the only one.
There were other interpreters?
Well, as I told you,
Croft left hurriedly, under a cloud.
He had to be replaced.
The affair with your wife.
Quite so.
Though, uh...
she wasn't my wife at the time.
We'll need to talk to your wife.
Um, I'd rather you didn't.
As I said, it was a traumatic experience for her.
Will she be at home?
She'll be at church.
She plays the organ.
(organ music playing)
LEWIS: Mrs. Milner?
We're told that you had an affair with Ethan Croft
which led to him losing his job here in Oxford.
Well, it's sort of true.
"Sort of true" doesn't mean much in law, Mrs. Milner.
Well, it's true we had an affair.
But it wasn't a case of a junior lecturer seducing
a first-year student.
That part of it was sort of 50-50.
So, how did he lose his job?
I was asked to sign a simple statement
admitting to the affair.
So I did.
It was true, so there seemed no harm in it.
Who asked you to sign it?
The head of my college.
And if you hadn't signed?
It was made very clear
that it would have a serious effect on my degree.
What sort of degree did you get?
A First.
Look, I know it sounds like I took the pieces of silver,
but I didn't tell any lies.
I simply signed a short factual statement.
Why did they want rid of Ethan?
I have no idea of the details, and he refused to talk about it.
But... (door opens)
(softly): I'm pretty sure he was a whistle-blower.
A whistle-blower?
Something was going on, and he knew about it.
I was used to get rid of him.
LEWIS: Ethan Croft was a whistle-blower.
Which implies that somebody is guilty of foul play.
We know he was part of the negotiations with the Russians
for the financing of Professor Milner's
shiny new engineering building.
Was somebody not playing by the rules?
It's possible.
Yeah, hi, can you do something for me?
Yeah, crawl all over the documents
relating to the engineering building.
See who was involved.
Yeah, I want lots of names.
Oh, that's easy.
I'm very good at names.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
What's to be sorry about?
I don't think this was a crime of passion.
Which means you're probably wrong.
Even I can be wrong sometimes.
Yeah, it may be a reckless thing to say,
but this is beginning to make sense.
Would it cheer you up
if we collected your guitar on the way back?
Yes, it would.
Do you know Starvin' Marvin's?
No.
You'll have to teach me.
The man's name is Davis.
I bought the guitar from him three years ago,
but I thought he'd be likely to remember my name,
so he's expecting a Mr. Lewis.
Clever choice.
Well, it might well have been stolen property then
and it certainly is now.
Well, what are you expecting from this Mr. Lewis?
£3,000 in cash.
Yeah, I don't actually have £3,000 on me.
It being Sunday.
And how am I meant to identify this as the right instrument?
He might try and fob me off with some old banjo.
Look inside the lid.
What, your guitar has a lid?
I thought only pianos had lids.
Inside the lid of the case.
I know it sounds pathetic,
but I collect autographs from famous guitarists.
You'll find them inside...
Inside the lid.
Yeah.
Tell me some of these names so I know what to look out for.
Martin Taylor, Dave Cliff, Phil Lee, Pat Metheny,
Russell Malone, John Parricelli...
Thank you.
That's enough names.
(early rock and roll music playing)
Mr. Lewis?
I'm here to collect a guitar.
Be my guest.
Got the cash?
May I see the goods?
Okay?
Yep.
You're under arrest.
What?
LEWIS: This guitar was stolen from the boot of a car
late on Friday evening.
I know his face.
Detective Sergeant Hathaway, Oxford Police.
We've done business before.
Oh.
Bugger.
(cell phone rings)
Lewis.
INNOCENT: Where the hell are you?
We're dealing with a double murder.
You're not at the murder scene and you're not here.
The only person who is here
is a very expensive Russian translator.
I'm told you're on a related inquiry.
In what way related?
Er, both happened on the bank holiday weekend.
INNOCENT: That's twaddle.
But here's the good news.
Your translator has turned up a couple of little gems
which might just get you off the hook.
LEWIS: According to our information
gleaned from Ethan Croft's computer files,
your deal with the Russians
who were financing the engineering building
didn't run all that smoothly.
Well, these things are always complicated.
The company that was originally involved pulled out
and you ended up working
with some exceedingly dubious oligarchs.
I'm an engineer.
No more, no less.
I had nothing to do with those people.
So who did?
STRONG: Thank you for looking after me.
Oh, the feeling's mutual.
Don't be a stranger.
Well, we've done the telephone numbers.
RICHARDS: Er, excuse me.
I think I'm needed.
Does this mean people can go home?
LEWIS: More or less.
Except we'd like a word with Mr. Anderson.
Me?
Er, look, I'm sorry about all this.
You promised me a weekend to remember.
I know.
I doubt I'll forget it.
You work for a firm of corporate lawyers,
specialists in brokering international business deals.
Yes.
And you did the deal
for the financing of the new engineering building?
We did.
And very tedious it was too.
Why?
Russians have their own way of doing business.
Yeah, and somewhere along the line
one lot of Russians disappeared
and were replaced with another lot.
Not dissimilar to gangsters.
Money was laundered--
money from drugs, prostitution, protection,
people-smuggling...
That is an absurd suggestion.
And Ethan Croft, as the official translator,
was a witness to the whole transaction.
And he left complete records of all this on his computer files.
Ethan Croft was a womanizer and a fantasist.
Also a wild-eyed Trot,
still marooned in the 1980s.
But honorable in his own way.
Even his wife said so, that's why he couldn't be bought off.
LEWIS: So when he tried to blow the whistle,
you and your old university cronies conspired
to stitch him up for sexual harassment.
You two are even bigger fantasists than he was.
Why didn't you join your friends for coffee
after you left the library yesterday afternoon?
But I did.
We browsed in the library and then went for a coffee.
Here's the bill.
Three coffees, three cheesecakes.
McCavity wasn't there.
LEWIS: Why wait all these years?
Er, you've lost me.
If you're going to murder Ethan Croft,
why wait until now?
It must have been the knighthood.
I blame the Queen.
LEWIS: You get a knighthood
in the New Year's Honors List
for services to the law and international relations.
That's a step too far for Mr. Croft.
So this weekend the two of you are down here
answering silly questions
and he threatens to lift up the stone
and let all those creepy-crawlies
see the light of day.
And being a womanizer and a show-off,
he decides to share the information with Eve Rigby.
Oh, is that the proposition?
That I killed both of them?
That's most certainly the proposition.
You heard them arguing in the corridor outside your room.
They both knew about your grubby little secrets.
So they both had to go.
I am a lawyer.
I don't murder people.
I wouldn't know where to start.
Wrong.
You'd know exactly where to start.
According to your Who's Who entry,
you're an expert in martial arts,
which, in plain English, makes you a trained killer.
Who's Who.
HATHAWAY: Vanity of vanities.
All is vanity.
LEWIS: He may have been a trained killer,
but he wasn't smart enough to wear gloves
when he strangled Eve Rigby.
We'll get a DNA match.
Past the post and weighed in.
I'll pretend I understand that.
Have we really finished for the night?
Yep, all's right with the world.
On a purely temporary basis, of course.
I've got a husband to confront when I get home.
I've got my baby back.
(kisses) Stop it.
I assume that guitar
is or was the related inquiry?
Yeah.
The Gibson factor.Yeah.
It wasn't related at all, was it?
Hardly at all, no.
Just be grateful I'm nice.
Night, gentlemen.
Night.
Night.
Hi, Laura?
Listen, I know it's a bit late,
but we might just find somewhere that's still open.
What do you think?
Bit of a consolation prize?
(softly): What does she think?
It's personal.
MANAGER: There's nothing I can do.
It's a bank holiday.
I'm sorry.
Same story again.
(imitating Italian accent): It's a bank holiday weekend.
We should have booked a table.
Damn.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
Wait there.
LEWIS: Who'd have thought
that one day haddock would be a luxury food?
Mmm, and that we'd get little forks
to eat it with.
Mmm, yeah.
I know how to give a girl a good time.
I'm sorry about the opera, though.
Me too.
Had you booked somewhere nice to stay?
Just a modern little country house hotel in its own grounds
with a swimming pool and gymnasium, jogging trail.
And just to stop you wondering, I booked two rooms.
Course.
It would have been a damn sight more exciting
than a quiz weekend, though.
(chuckles)
What's the attraction about quizzes?
Why do people do it?
Compulsive list-makers.
Clinically speaking, they're obsessive neurotics.
Here's a question.
If you went on Mastermind...
Mmm?
what would be your chosen specialist subject?
Um, well, the thing I know most about is...
corpses.
Aha.
Oh, that would go down great.
Barrel of laughs.
(chuckling)
What about your specialist subject?
Outside from work and the kids, I haven't got one.
What about loneliness?
Pass.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org